A resolution, a resolve to do something a certain way, an aim to right a wrong way of doing things. Well these things I’ve thought about for 2012 are not really ‘resolutions’ more a series of encompassing thoughts that I want to shape and direct me this year, not to be achieved and ticked off but to be considered, absorbed and acted upon as and when I can.
So the first of these ‘great’ and ‘enlightening’ thoughts that I have had is…
‘I don’t want to fight happiness… so much’.
Goodness me, aiming to change my entire mindset then?? Well yes…in the sense I habitually ‘fight against’ happiness, if something ‘good’ happens my natural impulse is to wonder when the good will end and the bad begin because nothing lasts forever does it? And no because I’m quietly proud that I have been ever so slightly chipping away at this idea already, recognising I do it in the first place is something to clutch and hold close in those dark hours of self-doubt.
I don’t want to go into detail now for I’ve given myself a whole year to grapple with and mull over it: a stretch of 355 more days for it to take root in my thoughts and then bloom in my actions- deep, demanding ideas like these take time to germinate.
For now it is a conscious realisation and that’s enough.
There is no longer a need for me to question happiness- what it is, whether it is real or why and how I deserve or don’t deserve it. When it settles on me I don’t want to doubt how long it will stay for because really that’s missing the point of happiness. I want to see it as lasting, not fleeting. Simple contentment is surely plenty and no dramas or imagined scenarios need to be created from it.
I want a happiness that washes over me, that I can throw my arms into, swim, revel and wave wildly in. To embrace it, accept it and fold it around me so that it fits my skin and so that it fits me. Rip-roaring, in your face dazzling happiness; enourmous in its outreach so that it can do nothing but filter into every strand of my life and why not, why shouldn’t it be like this? Could it only be a mindset away? A palpable happiness that is neon bright and bellows out to be noticed is surely attainable by anybody that cares to try for it.
Ah…what noble sentiments. Then real life strikes so that on Monday I fought it long and hard, I shot it to pieces and cloaked the shadows of it around me. Shadows of the day before where I’d been so happy that I’d sung non-stop in the bath for an hour, even singing underwater.
Back when I was 14, my German exchange student had said that she knew when I was happy because I sung-what an astute observer she was even at the age of 14. For yes, it is true, I sing (albeit badly) my little heart out when I’m happy, warbling, purely for my own silly enjoyment, a random medley of adverts, sacred vocal music and pensive indie rock and roll.
If I’m really feeling it, you know IT, that obscure sensation we label joy then I may even start my own percussion section, with a tap here and a slap there until my hands are leading their own merry little dance, in a world of rhythm entirely of their own making.
Congratulations to anybody that ever witness’ such a performance from me for you have reached the inner sanctum of my character and identity, such has to be my level of comfort to display these crazed actions, in fact I need only one hand to count the number of people that have endured such episodes. Can I stop it when this musical frenzy takes hold?-no- it lifts me up in its’ surge of mindless abandon until I’m singing louder and higher and my fingers are a fast blur of syncopated greatness (or so I think).
It propels itself on in a headlong, haphazard rush of unruly wildness. And I thank the God above for such moments where all other cares are dissolved into a black hole of insignificance and for those atoms of precious time you get a glimpse at what real living is and it makes you forget that troubles and sadness can even exist in this same space, that the real you fills and explodes out of now.
You laugh and wonder if those woeful cares that were once so pressing were pure imagination: for how can they be real when this toe tapping, soul sizzling magnitude of just being alive and being happy for the pure joy of it exists in the here and now?
May my 2012 be filled to the rafters with such moments and boy oh boy the fight is on to get more of them.